I have been delving in and out of this world for the past 3 years. What a roller coaster, I tell ya!
I am learning SO much and I’m mostly thankful for the experiences.
And then some days I down right hate it. All of it. The roller coaster sucks. I don’t even like roller coasters, so why do I keep putting myself on this one?
This shit is not for the faint of heart.
You get brave, you put yourself out there, one more time.
Sometimes it’s fun and nice and you go with the flow.
Sometimes you know right away and it’s easy to say 'this isn’t for me.’
Sometimes things look really good and start to get exciting. You start to get butterflies, and your hopes up.
You keep checking your motives and your intuition.
You’re learning along the whole way. What you want, don’t want. How to listen, to you.
And sometimes you’re wrong.
And you’re back to square one.
And once again, you have a choice.
Keep swinging the pendulum... keep riding the roller coaster...
To date or not to date? To keep being brave or to go back to being safe?
Is it so bad to want love again? Is it worth it? All the emotions. Disappointment.
Is it worth it? All the excitement. The hope.
Are you really getting closer to ‘the one’ or are you getting pickier and farther from the willingness to sacrifice or compromise.
I don’t know...
I reserve the right to change my mind and my feelings about it all, sometimes on the daily.
But what I do know is that I’m always going to keep trying. Because I believe in love. And I’d like to think he’s out there looking for me, too.
In the meantime I’ll keep learning the lessons and deepening my own life and self love along the way.
And I’ll remember that in the midst of it all, I’ll never lose me again, because that is the most important love.
Maybe I’ll learn to surrender and let go a little more, and to trust that it’s all in perfect timing, just not necessarily *my* timing.
And that’s the part I don’t like. That mostly in life I learn the lessons and things run their course.
But this whole love and dating thing is multi layered and faceted. And harder. At least that’s how it feels sometimes.
So again I sit here in the middle...
of being perfectly and independently content in my own skin, loving the life and the woman I’m creating...
and waiting and hoping that love finds it’s way into my life again, but only when it’s right.
Because one of these days it’s going to be right... ♥️