Sunday, March 10, 2019

Confession: I Almost Drank


It has been 605 days today since I've had a drink of alcohol. That’s not a particular/special milestone, it’s just another day, however it is one more day that I’m thankful for. 

Last weekend I thought really hard about drinking. It all looks so fun and glamorous out there!
I thought about who I could call to have one with (there are a few people who would happily help me off “the wagon”), or which bar I could go to to have one on my own (what kind of bright idea is that?). I thought about how I would get home and who I would tell (if anyone). I thought about how I would feel the next day and wondered if I’d actually only have one. I thought about what it might give me the “courage” to do and how I would hide in the shame the next day and how long I would stay there. 

I even thought about what I would do about my social media accounts and this blog and all of my writings that have shared so much of this journey that I've been on with you.

I really played the whole 
thing out in my head, thankfully, because all of that turmoil is what stopped me from going through with it. 

That was the first time in the past year+ that those kinds of thoughts have crept in. Before that there has been no question about the path that I choose to be on without alcohol. It’s not a wagon that I’m taking a little ride on, it’s a lifestyle. It’s an unhealthy, abusive relationship that I choose not to be in because I love myself more than that now. 

This choice supports every single tiny little aspect of the life that my higher self has and is creating. I don’t want that old lifestyle anymore, spending the weekends in a vicious cycle of destruction and nursing myself back to life. I don’t want to be that person anymore, settling for less than my potential, and feeling incomplete. Nursing regrets and mending mistakes. 

But WOW, that lower self can sure sneak in and play some mind games! It tells me, “it’s okay; you’ll be okay; it’s no big deal; things will be easier; you can control it this time; truly, look how far you’ve come, you’ve got this!” It tries to pull me into an old and destructive way of thinking that no longer serves me. 

Thankfully I had enough tenacity to just be with it and not act on it. I shared with a couple of people who I knew would just hear me and not freak out about it. 

Thankfully I have a group of wonderful people who choose this path and hold the space, acceptance and love for it all. Thankfully I have filled my social feeds with all the inspiration that supports this path - I would literally have to create all new accounts to get away from it all. 

Mostly the thoughts have passed now, but there is still this quiet, stubborn, getting smaller voice inside that says, “someday, maybe…” but it doesn’t have me now. At least not today.

***

If you’re still reading, thank you. This was only going to be a short social media post that turned into a blog. But I need to share the whole thing with you. I'm sure there's someone who's been here and needs to hear this.

I often question whether or not to share certain things here, but I feel like this one is a very important piece of my life now and sharing it helps me stay true to it. I knew if I didn’t start sharing then I might sink deeper into hiding and put myself more at risk. 

I understand why they say to check on your quiet friends or the ones who seem okay. I'm almost always okay on the outside and mostly you’ll never know I’m struggling until I get through to the other side. But not everyone makes it to the other side and alone is not how we do this life successfully. 


Our lower self, our ego, or whatever you choose to call it, puts us in hiding and wants us alone because that's where it will win. But over time and with practice the higher self gets bigger and better at saying "not today" and conquering.

Your path and your struggle may be different. It might not be alcohol, it might be food or toxic relationships or something else. 
There are so many ways self sabotage can show up and play itself out. 

We have to get to know ourselves, learn our thought patterns and figure out what we need when we go to these places. You're not alone, no matter how much it feels like it sometimes.

I hope this helps you to stay on your path and/or has you take a closer look at the one you’re on. Are you in alignment with the life that you truly want? Whether it’s with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, other habits, thought patterns, etc. What would it take to put you in alignment and on the right track? 

For me, I’m learning on an ever deeper level that my relationship to alcohol (insert whatever yours is here) is a sneaky one and I can’t let my guard down. I’m learning to recognize when that little voice creeps in and tries to steer me off path and I’m getting better at it all, but it’ll never stop being a practice. It will never be about perfection.

Thank you for being here, reading and most all, loving. And if you need support or guidance please don't hesitate to reach out. We're in this together. 

xoxox
Mimi

2 comments:

  1. Mimi. Thank you for being so real, so honest and for putting your story of "the temptation period" out there for others. It takes guts to share it, to put it in black and white for the whole world to see. It may seem risky but it's also freeing and strengthening. I hope that is the result for you. I'm glad that it passed. I'm also thankful that you were given the ability to think on a deeper level and to "play the tape forward".

    I had never considered it before now but you're right, alcohol (for me and anyone who has struggled with alcoholism), really is an abusive relationship. Just like a human abuser, it's a liar that tries to con us back in, saying "come back to me. It will be different this time". No! It will only be worse! Good bye!

    To slightly modify YOUR close...Thank you for being here, writing and most all, loving. And if you need support or guidance please don't hesitate to reach out. We're in this together. DM











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    1. Thank you so much, DM! I'm so thankful for your friendship and support!

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